there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
