I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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