Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
