Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
