I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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