Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
