Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
