My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
