I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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