Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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