why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
