my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
