his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
