Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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