When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
