Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am available for nakedness
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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