yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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