i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
