Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
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