Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
how drunk are you?
Several
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
