i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
