We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
