im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
