genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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