Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
