I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
