i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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