jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
