coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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