i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
