Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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