I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
