Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
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I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
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ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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