Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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