hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
