she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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