he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
