I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dating After Heartbreak
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."