i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.