oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
