so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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