You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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