Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
