508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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