I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
