Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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