i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
