i love accidental penises.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
