he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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