i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Found the puke drawer
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
