Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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