he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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