i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
