Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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