"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
