Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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