idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
