I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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