Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
