Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
