I think I won the penis lottery.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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